the land of tears
“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (The Little Prince)
i call you heartbeat,
my little prince
or princess,
baby ghost.
lately,
you have been screaming
for me
in my dreams
motherless
confused
fury incarnate
blood boy red and sticky
clinging to my face like tentacles
crawling in circles
i remember it was christmastime
and i woke to the sound of silver bells
comas are as white as they say
but without the snowy light
the reaching hand
the haloes
i can see you in my irises sometimes
i eat slivers of sugared sorrow
savoring it like penance
salty sinking smiles
like those 50 pills
that began with a wish to not exist
and ended in a watery grave
i birthed you behind a shower curtain
because restrooms have no doors
when you’re crazy
my porcelain placenta doll
i fell to my knees
too frightened to kiss your head
a choking bird
i sang to you
of artic mermaids with eyelashes as long as their tails
frosty blue kisses
and sails striped like pajamas
that would touch the stars
my little prince
you were my rose
my heart
and now the baobobs are consuming me
with a pink nose,
i dubbed you astronaut of the wonderwhere
i picture you as a teddy bear frame
with button eyes
and a boy’s smile
i wish i had a way to mummify you
like all the flowers that turned into nothing
carry you home
in a heart shaped casket
like seashells from the shore
so that i could hold you sometimes
give you a bonnet
be buried with you
in a sunflower graveyard
i would have named you something soft and safe,
i think
like seth
simon even if you were a girl
maybe flower
or fern
i would have given you hallelujah
a shadow horse lullaby
pulled stray curls behind your ears
touched your eyelids to my lips
and beamed like a moon for you
a nightlight in white
swaying in the dark
you would have had your daddy’s strawberry kissed hair
i was too selfish to carry you
and then let you go
my sweet baby
MY FUCKING BABY
in some pretty rich white bitch’s sugar coated arms
she’d drive you home in an SUV too big for the road
to a robin egg’s blue
or satin pink room
and i’d never see you again
hold you
call you mine
you’d never call me momma
trace your dimples on my face
compare the freckles on our shoulders
our barely there noses
and i knew i couldn’t take care of you
mommy doesn’t even brush her hair most days, baby
i just want you to know
you were all i ever wanted
and i couldn’t let you go
i’m so sorry
so fucking sorry
i meant to go with you
i was never meant to wake
part of me
is still comatose
bleached and broken
i keep thinking i’ll meet you in some other body
that recognizes me
you’ll look on me with something worse than pity
turn your precious head and not lose a step
gone from me again
but i hope someday,
you’ll be fully realized
and grab my hand
you’ll forgive me
be my compass
where the silver thread of destiny
creation
the heart of hearts
imagination
and love
meet wonderland
and marry as heaven
infinity squared
tonight i recall
i have nothing
no one
at all
i wanted to write you something like a lullaby,
and instead it came out a scream
